If you experience mutism you might find that there are times when you can’t communicate as you would like to, even though you want to. For example you might want to say something but be unable to speak, or you might be unable to nod or shake your head because you feel frozen. Sometimes other people might think this is about you refusing, or choosing not to talk, but that’s not true – it’s something that can happen when your brain and nervous system are under so much pressure from overwhelm or anxiety that your words just won’t work.
Different people can experience this in different ways, and finding out why it happens for you can be really important in understanding yourself and getting the right kind of support.
Reactive Mutism
Reactive mutism can happen when your stress levels become too high and your brain goes into “survival mode” This might be because things feel too loud, too busy, too demanding, or emotionally intense.
When this happens, you might:
- Not be able to talk, even if you really want to or know what you want to say
- Feel frozen or shut down
- Struggle to not just talk, but also explain how you feel in writing
- Find that trying harder to speak makes things feel worse
You might have heard of survival responses like “fight” or “flight”, but with reactive mutism it is a different type of response called a “freeze” response. Our brain goes into survival mode to try and keep us safe; sometimes this is helpful for the situation (e.g when you are in danger), but sometimes our brains get mistaken and we can go into survival mode when there is no threat. Even if you are not actually in danger your stress can be so high that your brain acts like you are, and this can get in the way of saying or doing what you would like to. This type of mutism can be experienced by anyone, but neurodivergent young people are more likely to experience it.
Selective Mutism
It can be helpful to describe selective mutism as a phobia of the expectation to communicate. This doesn’t mean you’re scared, but that you have an automatic “freeze” response that you have no control of when someone expects you to communicate (like someone who has a spider phobia suddenly freezing when a spider appears).
It isn’t called ‘selective’ mutism because it is a choice – it is a medical term that means it only happens in certain (select) situations, rather than all the time. For example, it might be that you are able to speak freely at home, but feel frozen at school.
A lot of the time when people talk about selective mutism they refer to being unable to speak in certain situations – but selective mutism is about more than talking too.
You might:
- Speak freely at home but not at school or in public
- Want to speak but feel completely stuck
- Struggle when attention is drawn to you
- Struggle to write or move freely
- Avoid certain situations where you know you will struggle to talk
To be officially classed as “selective mutism”, this has to happen in some social situations consistently, but not in others, for at least one month.
Selective mutism can feel quite confusing and like it doesn’t make sense! Even in the perfect place with people you trust, it may still be hard to speak, even if you really want to. Knowing it is classed as a phobia can be helpful, as there are things you can do to make speaking easier over time when you feel ready.
Why This Difference Matters
Reactive mutism and selective mutism can look similar from the outside, and similar things can be helpful for both but there are also key differences that it is helpful for people to know about too. Treating reactive mutism like selective mutism, or vice versa when offering support, can make things harder rather than easier.
People can also experience a mixture of both, which means it can be tricky to figure out what to help with first. However with either type of mutism, one of the main things to understand is that not being able to speak is not a choice.
Things That Can Help
Support for both selective and reactive mutism should start with focusing on helping you feel safe, understood, and respected, rather than pressured to speak.
Some things that might help both include:
- Knowing it’s okay to not speak
- Having an alternative way to communicate that works for you, like writing, typing, drawing, gestures,visual cards/pictures or asking someone to communicate on your behalf
- Having trusted people who don’t rush or pressure you
- Being given time, rather than being pressured to reply or put on the spot
- Planning ahead for situations where speaking might be hard
- Adults or friends advocating for you, and explaining to others that silence doesn’t mean you’re being rude or ‘difficult’
- Being allowed to step away or take breaks when things feel too much
- Being supported with your wellbeing first, rather than focusing on communication
Different things help different people at different times, and what helps you might change over time too.
Support that can help more with Reactive Mutism:
Since reactive mutism is a response to overwhelm, it’s more helpful for support to focus on reducing stress and sensory load. This might include:
- Reducing sensory overload (noise, lights, busy spaces)
- Having access to quiet or more chilled environments
- Fewer demands/instructions from others
- Flexibility around expectations when things feel too much
- Not being encouraged to “push through” when experiencing shutdown
- Allowing time to regulate and feel better before anyone expects you to communicate
Support that can help more with Selective Mutism:
As selective mutism is a phobic response that happens when you are expected to speak or when attention or an expectation is placed on you, support works best when it is about removing pressure, and then allowing you to make small steps at your own pace, when you feel ready. It is important to keep in mind that the process of undertaking small steps to overcome a phobia is really difficult, and is even harder if you are in a stressful environment or you are struggling with other things in your life as well. In the short term what really matters is that the people around you are offering the right support so that you feel happy, comfortable and able to join in with things in a way that is right for you.
While it can be possible to overcome selective mutism by using small steps, it feels really important to say that it can take a long time to do that and you might not feel ready, or have the support around you right now to make that change. Therefore we also really want to emphasise that all communication is valid and it is really important that the people around you match your current communication level. There are a variety of ways to communicate needs and express yourself and you might find it helpful to also look at information about AAC and our article about different ways of connecting and communicating (coming soon!).
One of the most difficult things about selective mutism is when people want to help but don’t really understand how, so do things that actually make your anxiety worse! Here is a list of tips you could share with the people around you. You don’t have to speak to share the list, you could write it out, refer people to this website page, or ask a trusted friend or adult to share the information on your behalf.
Ways you can help me:
- Involve me without trying to make me talk.
- Keep talking to me, even if I might not talk back.
- Don’t ask me too many questions. I like it when you show me things or tell me your news.
- Please invite me to join in with you – I can join in more easily in activities where talking isn’t the main focus or when talking isn’t essential to the activity.
- If other young people ask questions or make comments about my SM, please tell them about it. Don’t let them think that I can’t speak because I CAN! I just find it difficult sometimes.
- Trust that I will speak when I am able to, but please don’t make a fuss or draw attention to me when I do. It is better to carry on as if I have always spoken and just respond to what I say, rather than praising me or acting surprised at the sound of hearing my voice.
Whether you struggle with reactive mutism, selective mutism, or a mix of both, it can sometimes be really frustrating and tricky to navigate. Understanding what’s happening for you can make it easier to explain your needs to others, reduce pressure, and find ways to communicate that work for your brain and nervous system.
